True Love And Its Place In The World

In America, it's easy to spot supposed true love; young men and women claim love at first sight, date, passionately kiss in public. In France, you may trip over couples coupling on the Champs d'Elysses. In Spain, wooing is more romantic, and in Russia somewhat more businesslike.

In other parts of the world, love is much different. In India, marriages are as much a concern of the family as they are of the young couple being brought together; the engaged people and the families of each spend a great deal of time getting to know one another. Most of the Middle East and Africa use the same pattern when young people are being brought together.

And in the United States and Europe, too, it's becoming more common for young people to have sex without having love involved – the world of hookups, casual sex, and friends with benefits (FWB).

How can you tell what true love is? And does it really matter?

A Short History of Love

Romantic love appears to have been around as long as history has been recorded. The Egyptians wrote long, beautiful love poems filled with erotic imagery and longing for one another. For most people, it was perfectly acceptable to meet and fall in love with others without interference from the family, though there were often barriers that had to be crossed.

The Greeks divided love into different categories, depending on the feeling behind the love and the people involved. Eros is erotic or romantic love, generally marked by passion for a single person. Other types are platonic, storge (friendship or familial love), philos (similar to storge, but plural), agape (selfless love for humanity), and mania. Though love was clearly common earlier, the Greeks were the first to classify the feelings.

In Rome, romantic love was less popular. Greek women were somewhat circumscribed in life, but it was possible to meet and fall in love with a young man on your own. The Romans kept women rather cloistered, and arranged marriages were the norm. Throughout the world from Roman times forward until courtly love was invented in Renaissance France, arranged marriages were common; and in most of the world today, despite the Western ideals of love and romance, most marriages are still arranged.

This does not mean that the rest of the world does not believe in love at first sight, romance, and all the other passionate parts of Western courtship and love. On the contrary, most countries and cultures have Romeo and Juliet stories; the Middle East has Layla and Majnun, China has Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, and there are dozens of other examples.

Forbidden Love, Romantic Love

One of the biggest differences between the West and the rest of the world today in love and romance is that romance, outside very strictly controlled matchmaking situations or within marriage, is strictly forbidden. But one of the odd things about romance is that the more it is forbidden, the more romantic it becomes.

That's something that is lacking in the West. Because romance is considered desirable and marriage without it is thought of as empty, romance is common and lacks some of its magic. (It also lacks much of the conflict and pain of forbidden romance, of course.)

But something that is quite common in countries with arranged marriage is the development of a sincere and deep love between the husband and wife, even if there is no passionate romantic love. Part of it is that, because of cultural traditions, the two are expected to come to one another virgins; the first sexual experience therefore becomes a real bonding opportunity. Another part is that the husband and wife are expected to love and cherish one another – so they do.

Interestingly, the divorce rate in arranged marriage is much lower than in marriages created by romantic love, even in countries where divorce is relatively easy to get. That's partly because of the family pressure on the couple staying together. It is almost certainly also due to the unique timeline of passionate love.

Science of Passionate Love

Scientists who study love have found a number of interesting things about passionate love. First, it tends to last for about eighteen months to two years. This, in a primitive society, would be just long enough for the woman to get pregnant, have a baby, and raise it to the point where it is no longer completely vulnerable.

After that short span, passionate love dies out. If it is not replaced by the second step of love, a bond of affection, the couple is likely to separate. This is almost certainly part of the reason for the high divorce rate in countries that join couples in romantic love rather than arranged marriages. When that passion wears away, the couple often see one another as they really are.

If, however, the couple are compatible in ways other than sexual, a bond of affection takes over for the passion. This is the reason for long-lasting couples to stay together; they are friends as well as lovers, and though the hot blazing passion of first love has died down, the friendship is still there.

Compare this with the love of a couple who have been brought together in arrangement. The two are carefully vetted by the families of both for compatibility and suitability for marriage. A couple that is not judged compatible is never even introduced. When the two meet, they generally have quite a bit in common. They become friends during the courtship, and if they are both agreeable, they marry. Later, in the marriage itself, there is time for the romantic passion to develop.

True Love

Only after the romantic, passionate love and the affection stages have been experienced can true love be said to exist. In both Eastern and Western forms of marriage, whether the romance comes first or second, true love develops at the same time. The couple are erotically attracted, emotionally close, and committed. Only with all three of these ingredients does true love develop, and only after all three of these elements have been experienced for a long time.

Neither Eastern nor Western forms of love and romance are better than the other. Rather, the perfection with which the three legs of love can be applied to a relationship determine how strong and lasting the bond will be. It can, however, be said that cultures in which true love is strong and common are the most dynamic and growing cultures. True love is one of the foundations of a healthy society.